Interview with Brinda Callahan on Conscious Parenting

BRINDA CALLAHAN will be in Bucharest from November 2 to 4 for the public talk “Conscious Parenting” (Friday, November 2, 7:00 PM) and the interactive seminar “Responsible and Healthy Boundaries” (Saturday and Sunday, November 3 and 4, 10:00 AM - 5:00 PM). This event is part of the “Conscious Parenting” series, which began with the launch of the book of the same name, written by Lee Lozowick and translated by Irina Margareta Nistor. You can read the first chapters of the book here, free of charge.

Brinda’s seminar promotes conscious education and is based on the concept formulated and practically taught by Lee Lozowick. We now present an interview with Brinda Callahan about what it means to be a conscious parent, the most common mistakes parents make, and the steps to follow in order to have a happy family.

What does it mean to be a conscious parent? How would you define this notion and what does it mean for you?

To be a conscious parent means to be attentive, to be present. I think it means being in contact with your children’s needs, understanding the responsibility you have toward them as their model and guardian, and understanding deeply how important it is to nourish that fire of the human spirit and the innocence of children. Being conscious is a very important subject. It reveals itself and deepens as our hearts, feelings and attention open. In order to raise our children consciously, it is vital to give up our selfish habits and to joyfully commit ourselves to a path that asks for sacrifice and service to others.

What is the difference between being a traditional parent and being a conscious parent?

In the traditional way of raising children, we are less willing to question the way the social and family structures around us are set up. We may act without questioning and without feeling. Becoming conscious means investigating the value system, rules and beliefs that were part of the education you received, and questioning deeply rooted cultural, educational, medical and religious influences. The context of child-rearing can shift away from control and shaping children according to standards comfortable for us, so that we may preserve their innocence and wonder of being, allowing them to blossom into their potential and become complete, free human beings.

It is very important to find trust in ourselves. Often this trust was buried or destroyed when we were children. We have the difficult task of directing things in a direction that has the power to heal past, present and future generations. Once we begin to feel and experience what it means to be healthy and whole parents, we can begin to make clear distinctions between traditional values that are useful in the new context and those that are abusive, inadequate or no longer of any use.

What can be done when only one parent wants to learn what it means to raise children consciously, while the other considers the traditional way more appropriate?

The main ingredient here is patience. We cannot force anyone to change. The best thing we can do is walk honestly on our own path toward consciousness. Most often, our partner will notice the changes that begin to appear within the family. Being an example yourself is a powerful way to communicate. Intransigence and judgment will only create defensiveness. It is very important not to diminish the authority of the other parent in front of the child, thereby creating division in the family. Have contradictory discussions when the children cannot hear you.

The father may have his limits in a situation in which the mother has a different tolerance. In a fortunate situation, we will be able to discuss with our partner and talk about what we see in the child as the result of a certain behavior of ours as parents. Timing is important, so that we can hear one another. The hot topics in this area are discipline, breastfeeding, food, sleep schedules, the family bed and boundaries for children of different ages.

If you are in a situation in which you need to compromise because of your partner, keep the child in your attention, being for him or her what is called an “enlightened witness.” For example, you can notice the suffering your partner has caused the child by applying an abusive boundary. By witnessing consciously and staying connected with the child, the child feels that he or she is not alone and you help the child bear the pain more easily. Perhaps you had someone in your own life who offered this to you, a teacher or grandparent, and you already know the value of such a witness.

Important: if there is violence (physical, sexual or mental), it is very important to act to protect the child. If you tolerate such a situation, please seek professional help for yourself and the child.

What ten steps would you recommend for beginning to be conscious parents?

There is a wonderful book entitled Parenting, A Sacred Task: 10 Basics of Conscious Parenting, written by Karuna Fedorschak. It offers a very good outline of children’s needs. At the moment it is available only in English, but it is worth the effort to read and apply it. The ten basics listed in the book are: love, attention, boundaries, food, touch, help, humor, respect, relaxation, holding on and letting go.

I did not prepare in advance to become a parent, and now that I have a child it is very difficult to find time to learn, read or attend seminars. What can I still do?

My suggestion is to make your education as a parent a priority. It is amazing what the power of intention can do. Find a parenting book that seems good to you and commit to reading a certain number of pages every day. Read those pages, assimilate what you have read and see what relevance it has for you, whether it suits you. Take small steps. Talk with other parents with whom you can discuss new ideas and ask for their support. When we want to educate ourselves, we find other parents, we are inspired, we go through difficult times and thus have the opportunity to form a kind of “tribal culture” in which to raise our children.

In today’s world we face nuclear families and many single-parent households. Coping is a major challenge. We need one another. On an organic level, accept that you are a parent, that this child came at the right time and that you are in a way “God” for him or her. Your body and being already contain the information you need to become a conscious parent. Access it and act. If you do not have time for education, take moments during the day and be as present as possible for this child, connecting through eyes, touch and voice. Become aware of and appreciate the miracle of this life with maximum gratitude. During the day ask yourself how you spend your time and what you can put aside in order to focus on this “sacred task.” Live this new lifestyle as a parent with passion.

What are the most common mistakes we make as parents and what can we do to prevent them?

First of all, it is not parents who are at fault, but modern society, because we receive no education on this very common and important subject: how to be parents. As young adults, we have an illusory romantic image of what it means to be parents, of the beautiful baby we can have and of romantic love that will never end. Or we pay no attention to family planning and let ourselves be carried along.

Pregnancy. After nine months of pregnancy comes birth, something that does not receive proper attention in our education. The way a child is welcomed into this world is very important. Prepare for it. Inform yourself about what it means to give birth at home, what it means to give birth in a hospital, what options you have, what needs you have, and what the best conditions are for a woman in labor to feel relaxed and supported. Find out who can be with you as support, what is normal during labor, and what makes medical staff cautious or merely eager to finish on time so the doctor can leave for golf.

Inform yourself about the incredible benefits of breastfeeding and the bond between you and the child. Far too many mothers allow hospital medical staff to put the child into bottles and boxes, as if this were truly in the best interest of the child and the mother. Inform yourself.

Most often parents are not prepared for the immense amount of responsibility, fatigue and overwhelm they experience once this little being arrives and cries, needs to be fed, changed and so on. Nor are they prepared for the incredible explosion of Love they feel. A couple may suffer when they realize that things have changed radically and that all the attention they gave one another is now directed toward the newborn. It is wonderful if both parents have the selfless intention to serve this child. We will eventually recover parts of our lives, one way or another, but at this moment we cannot even imagine how quickly children grow.

Another mistake is not listening. Educate yourself to listen to the other. This has an extraordinary power to receive the other and to create a space of vulnerability. See Thomas Gordon’s “12 Roadblocks to Communication” in Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.).

Setting abusive boundaries: we can ask ourselves why we set boundaries. Do we do it for reasons of safety? Is the child bothering us, are we disturbed by noise and movement because we are exhausted? Children ask for boundaries in order to learn the ropes of the world. “How can someone live here alongside others?” This is the question, not “What is wrong with me?” Explain to the child why boundaries are necessary.

A good place to look first is yourself. Often we ourselves are not disciplined: money, food and sex are very important subjects, as are punctuality, honoring commitments, use of mobile phones and the internet, sleep schedules and so on. Again, be an example yourself.

Another common mistake today is that many parents are not truly interested or involved in what their children do. We do everything to support ourselves, pay our bills and keep going, while our children are raised by kindergartens, schools and television because we parents simply do not have time. I support homeschooling and involvement in school, in the classroom and with teachers. Could we simplify our lives so that we can become more and more involved in our children’s lives? Do we care what their passions are? Who their friends are? What their dreams are? Could we support what they are passionate about without forcing them to do things in which they have no interest?

John Holt was an American writer and advocate of homeschooling. He wrote two extraordinary books: How Children Learn and How Children Fail.

Today the home lacks the atmosphere of sanctuary and ritual. We can create this sanctuary for our children, so that the home is a safe place to which they can always return, where they are loved and accepted as they are. Listening, lovingly drawn boundaries, touch and affection take place in this sanctuary. Ritual may mean eating meals at consistent times and in a spirit of sharing, doing things together, taking care of cleaning, going to bed by candlelight and telling stories. Children quickly learn to appreciate rhythm, which is also very useful for parents. Having a little time for yourself in the evening, to relax after the children have gone to bed, can make a difference in your patience. And there is much more.

I have my own notions and ideas about how to relate to the surrounding world and I educate my children in the same spirit. Is that wrong?

Part of the answer to this question is found above. In addition, I would encourage self-examination and continual questioning of what you can do. The support of other parents who think like us is very helpful, because they can help us see whether we are somehow fooling ourselves. We pass on to our children all kinds of attitudes about how to relate to the world. Everything begins while they are in the mother’s womb. As they grow, we begin to see the results of our own attitudes and behaviors, both positive and negative. This is inevitable and we will suffer for it, but we will also rejoice.

If they are raised consciously, they will be one step closer, one generation closer, to being human beings free of old ancestral patterns. Children raised in this way have the capacity to alert us when we are wrong, because they are free to think openly and are encouraged to express themselves in life. Raising our children in a community or “tribe” gives them the opportunity to be close to the concepts and ideas of others and therefore not to be shaped only by the “programs” of mother and father.

Does my child hear me only when I shout?

No. Most often the child hears you when you do not shout, when you speak in a normal voice. Shouting has its place, for example when the child is running and there is danger and you need to get attention very, very quickly. Otherwise, we shout because we ourselves are having an emotional reaction. If the child is testing our limits, shouting is only a response to what has been requested.

Try to listen to what the child is truly asking for. Children act out because they have become frustrated by not receiving enough quality attention. They do something we do not agree with, we shout, they run away, we shout louder, they shout louder, we punish them, they fall while running, then comes an hour of crying, we drag them to bed and we are exhausted. Now they have indeed received a major dose of negative attention.

I recently heard a mother shouting at her child almost every time the child made a loud noise or did something she did not agree with. Her shouting raised the level of noise and chaos. The child is a child; she is not. We need to focus our attention on raising ourselves and learning new ways to communicate with our children.

Note: if you think your child has hearing problems, please take the child to a doctor to check. Sometimes hearing problems are overlooked for years.